By: Jim R Harris, MA
Unfortunately, marriages are falling apart all around us.
Many of us have been through it, watched friends or parents fight through it, or are even right now on the brink of it. Some of us think we are doing great, but our spouse is having an affair or that everything is fine and our hearts are drifting away… If we are honest everyone is in a crisis marriage. Everyone. Its not if, its when. The question is what will you be standing on when the storm comes?
The divorce rate in America
According to enrichment journal on the divorce rate in America:
- The divorce rate in America for first marriage is 41%
- The divorce rate in America for second marriage is 60%
- The divorce rate in America for third marriage is 73%
So, what is the way out? What is our hope? What specifically can we do?
Jesus teaches us in Matthew 6:37…
37 “Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. 38 Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”
What would it look like to live like that?
To be the kind of man that is full of grace and forgiveness overflowing. Instead, I tend to keep track. I tend to keep score. It’s when I keep score that I run into problems. It is when I wash the dishes, put the kids to bed, and sit down at the end of a long day that I think to myself….” My wife is really lucky to be married to a guy like me. In fact, I really did more than my fair share of the duties today so I think she owes me big.” And if she doesn’t agree by thinking I am awesome? Then we have a big problem. You see that is at the root. That is always the bottom line of our problems. The smoke before the fire in my marriage is always…when I forget the grace and love that I received from God- and rather than freely giving what I have freely received (no strings attached) I instead decide to keep score. Score keeping can creep into my home and begin to make me resentful, angry, impatient, selfish, and unloving. It is when I am keeping score that I have drifted from the gospel of Jesus. But how do I keep from drifting into selfishness and sin? What can I do especially if my spouse is doing the same selfish score keeping that I am?
Jesus is asking you to put down your scorecard. The first skill in having a gospel-centered marriage is to put down your scorecard.
Let’s look at the parable Jesus teaches us next.
39 He also told them this parable: “Can the blind lead the blind? Will they not both fall into a pit? 40 The student is not above the teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like their teacher.
Here Jesus is making a plea to “come to Jesus, and let Him be your teacher.”
Don’t “earn” your way or compare your way, but rather spend time with Him and he will make you like Him. The score keeping marriage will be like the blind leading the blind- If I am comparing myself to Cassi and Cassi is comparing herself to me we will both fall into the pit. It’s like two people copying each other’s answers for a test that neither of them prepared for. Rather, Jesus casts the vision of being our teacher and us becoming his apprentices!
Jesus protects us from score keeping because he keeps our eyes looking at our own papers. He keeps us looking at our shortcomings instead of everyone else’s.
Jesus knows that first, we must learn to deal with our own sin, first and then and only then point out our spouse’s faults.
41 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 42 How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.
What stands out here is the obvious difference of proportion. Jesus is literally saying the opposite of how you feel. How you feel is…if they would just ______ then I would ______ . Instead Jesus is saying if you would just see your part in _____ then YOU would be able to help THEM! He doesn’t just shift the proportions around and say that you are the problem- he also changes the trajectory. He wants you not only to own your part, he wants you to see past yourself and fight FOR your spouse.
The teaching here of Plank and speck is a mindset that will transform your life. It is a skill because it takes practice. When there is a problem with someone close to us it is easier to see their part in the problem, blow it up, and minimize our part in it. That is human nature. Or should I say that is sin nature.
But when we are in-Christ, when the good news of Jesus has overwhelmed our perspective. When the Gospel is how we see the world. When the kingdom has become more powerful than our own kingdom then we can see. Right now we can see dimly (with one eye) that it is in fact MY sin that has been the problem all along and only by living in a constant state of Grace and forgiveness can I truly help anyone- especially those closest to me to really live.
Want to know more about how to have a gospel-centered marriage? Come check out our upcoming Community Class starting on April 21st.
Jim Harris, MA
Discipleship Minister
Harpeth Community Church
www.harpethcc.com
Twitter – @harpethcc
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Great article on marriage!